I Love Billy Joel Just The Way He Is

What makes a musician great? Is it a voice smooth as butter, a bravado the likes of which could stop a raging bull in its tracks, fingers that run across an instrument with an unnatural yet erotic speed? If so, those looking for greatness--NAY, STUFF OF LEGEND--need look no further than Mr. William Joel.

Captain Jack Will Make You Sing And Bop In Your Car Whilst Others Look On In Both Confusion And Awe

A few months ago, for no particular reason, I had a craving to listen to Billy Joel's "Scenes From An Italian Restaurant" like a woman pregnant with musical tastes from the late 80's. Though YouTube has fulfilled our cultural need for instant gratification, I was anything but satisfied and within a few weeks had bought a 3-disc set of his best songs. My mother bought the same one; though it made for a car ride heavy with tension and withheld breath (I hope none of you ever endure the sheer discomfort of hearing Billy sing the word "masturbate" which then vibrates off the walls of the car which your mother is driving) I regret nothing. The highlight was most definitely the point at which "Only the Good Die Young" had reached an instrumental and my mother, who showers with her clothes on, turns to me smiling and still bopping her had back and forth and says, "You know, this is really not a very nice song." You tell em, Jackie.

Since then, the CD is on constant rotation in my car, and never fails to get my ponytail bouncing, my shoulders tensing up with the tempo, and my voice screeching loudly against the unmatched enthusiasm of the Joelster. And enthused he is; the man yells for no reason and at often inappropriate times. When "Captain Jack" is getting you high tonight, there is nothing less appealing than some dude yelling in your face about it and totally killing your buzz.

I've found there are few people more fun to imitate, whether you're at a fancy restaurant ordering drinks (I'll have a "BOTTLE A' RED! Or, if we have the fish a BOTTLE A' WHITE!") or reciting Shakespeare (Oh, Juliet, won't you "COME OUT COME OUT COME OUT COME OUT...You Catholic girls start much too late!") Billy is always ready to poke his head out and surprise you, effectively giving you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack.

And also, there few people so deluded as this self-proclaimed badass; I'm not sure why Billy thinks he runs with a "dangerous crowd" but it seems that laughing a bit too loud is hardly dangerous, though perhaps a bit inconvenient for the neighborhood's elderly (who, in fairness, probably do think that ol' Billy is a hoodlum). I mean, we may be right and he might be crazy, but his "dangerous crowd" consists mainly of Elton John; the man might be a lot of things but dangerous is not one of them. I think if you were to look in a thesaurus for synonyms of "dangerous," I can guarantee you will find two names noticeably absent from that list.

So many musicians are overlooked by our generation, as we become more and more fascinated by synthesizers and songs which undoubtedly contain lyrics such as "save me from myself," "I hate your girlfriend," or "I want to have sex with you in a public place." We have forgotten what it's like to have a few broken cords assuring us that "I love you just the way you are," and outdated saxophone solos emphasizing how much "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints."

There are few things more satisfying than rediscovering a deep love for music, no matter how ashamed you might be to roll down the window at a stoplight while it's blasting from your back speakers. I will not be embarrassed if you see me flailing around like the Muppets' Swedish Chef in my car singing about Billy Joel dancing with his hand in his pants (his words, not mine). I only ask that you please refrain from telling your friends.

Besides, "Piano Man" is probably the most wonderful song to slur into a microphone* during Karaoke Night at your local bar.

ALLLLLRIGHT!

*which smells like a beer; on the plus side, people sit at the bar and put bread in your jar while asking "Man, what are you doing here?"