Scientific Data Suggests Nonsense

A Comprehensive List of Men Who Have Wanted to Date Me in the Last 72 Hours

Hypothesis: Men who are very much used to being turned down by women look at me and say, "I have a shot at that."

1. Senior Citizens, Subdivision: Holocaust Survivors Today, I met Mike. A suave 89 year old electrical engineer from Poland, he not only asked me to dance a whopping four times, he also showered me with compliments. And then went and danced with other girls. Those sluts.

2. Julian Van Cleef: Millionaire Extraordinaire Last night, as Caitlin and I refused to leave Thompkins Square Bar and Grille (wonderful beer selection, abundance of strange regulars, myself included) a tall, thin, spindly man entered the bar in a Hugo Boss suit. Which was about 3 sizes too big for him. Naturally, when he couldn't offer me a business card, he jotted his name down with a phone number and shouted "Google me!" Worse, I did.

3. Old Lounge Singer at the Dresden I saw you making those moon eyes at me, Phil. Don't deny it. And answer my goddamn phone calls.

4. Lesbians You know who you are, and I apologize for my heterosexuality. But Lilith Fair is coming up, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Conclusion: I will someday write a very disturbing best-seller.

This Just In: Halloween is Counterproductive

Halloween: great holiday or GREATEST holiday? I could go on and on about the joys of paranormal ghost shows of all shapes and sizes playing on a constant loop (Syfy channel, look it up) or the sheer joy of knowing that Hocus Pocus and the Craft will play back-to-back, likely more than once. Don't even try to talk me out of loving Teen Witch.

The days of school parades and hand-made costumes long behind me, my feelings about Halloween center on a love for scary movies and eating fun-sized Snickers for dinner; needless to say, it is a deep love. But, and stop me if I'm wrong, once you reach age 16, Halloween stops being fun and starts being a reason to diet through September.

"Slutty ________" Is Not A Costume For Several Reasons

I understand wanting to have a sexy Catwoman costume in order to lure drunken fratboys to your "lair" and also to guiltlessly prattle "mmeeeeOOOW" as the night progresses. I also understand wanting to be a sexy Playboy Bunny, however I maintain that it is redundant. But, again, may the Lord strike me down if I'm incorrect, but the point of a costume is to dress up as something you are not. So, and try to follow along here, when you dress up in a 6-inch long tutu with nothing but a thong underneath, I'm pretty sure "slutty college student" isn't just a Halloween thing for you.

Don't get me wrong, I like my slutty Stormtroopers just as much as the next girl, but why is the slutty costume market cornered by twentysomething girls? Where's the sexy GI Joe? Or the slutty Urkel? Men, you are missing out on a HUGE opportunity to scare reasonable women away! Then again, should this trend take off (and I'm sorta hoping it does), nobody's going to buy the sexy Mario and Luigi when they're giving the Halloween candy out for free.

Or, we could all just enjoy Halloween as a time for immature revelry and go back to being dinosaurs and ham sandwiches. But really, when isn't a ham sandwich sexy?