This Just In: Halloween is Counterproductive

Halloween: great holiday or GREATEST holiday? I could go on and on about the joys of paranormal ghost shows of all shapes and sizes playing on a constant loop (Syfy channel, look it up) or the sheer joy of knowing that Hocus Pocus and the Craft will play back-to-back, likely more than once. Don't even try to talk me out of loving Teen Witch.

The days of school parades and hand-made costumes long behind me, my feelings about Halloween center on a love for scary movies and eating fun-sized Snickers for dinner; needless to say, it is a deep love. But, and stop me if I'm wrong, once you reach age 16, Halloween stops being fun and starts being a reason to diet through September.

"Slutty ________" Is Not A Costume For Several Reasons

I understand wanting to have a sexy Catwoman costume in order to lure drunken fratboys to your "lair" and also to guiltlessly prattle "mmeeeeOOOW" as the night progresses. I also understand wanting to be a sexy Playboy Bunny, however I maintain that it is redundant. But, again, may the Lord strike me down if I'm incorrect, but the point of a costume is to dress up as something you are not. So, and try to follow along here, when you dress up in a 6-inch long tutu with nothing but a thong underneath, I'm pretty sure "slutty college student" isn't just a Halloween thing for you.

Don't get me wrong, I like my slutty Stormtroopers just as much as the next girl, but why is the slutty costume market cornered by twentysomething girls? Where's the sexy GI Joe? Or the slutty Urkel? Men, you are missing out on a HUGE opportunity to scare reasonable women away! Then again, should this trend take off (and I'm sorta hoping it does), nobody's going to buy the sexy Mario and Luigi when they're giving the Halloween candy out for free.

Or, we could all just enjoy Halloween as a time for immature revelry and go back to being dinosaurs and ham sandwiches. But really, when isn't a ham sandwich sexy?